What does the NYTimes‘ Elisabeth Bumiller do when presented with a story that reveals cracks in the Christian right? Why, she calls Jim Wallis, of course. Wallis, who possesses the power to channel the thoughts of several million non-Republican evangelicals, has become a quote machine, a stock figure in any news story about what the press calls the “Christian left.” But the real scandal is that Wallis is not actually human. In order to maintain the cosmic order necessary for all good media, seven top media organizations gathered in a secret cave, where they fashioned Wallis out of clay. Bill Keller then carved the ancient Syriac word for “balance” on the clay figure’s forehead, put a black mock turtleneck on it, and lo, the Wallis-Golem breathed. The Secret Seven (NYT, WaPo, LATimes, NPR, U.S. News, Newsweek, and Ranger Rick) keep the Wallis-Golem in a safe house by a park in our nation’s capitol, where he sits by a pneumatic tube through which he responds to requests for quotes. Called upon to make public appearences, the Wallis-Golem sallies forth under the close watch of a team of invisible deacons who direct him by playing contemporary hymns on guitars only the Wallis-Golem can hear. Their greatest fear is that the Wallis-Golem will break free of their control and destroy the very media establishment he was created to save, by recklessly saying the same thing, over and over, to any shmuck with a notebook and a microphone, thus revealing the terrible truth — the Wallis-Golem is nothing but a giant, artificial talking head! Eek!