It appears that, as Passover approaches for the 3,454th time (you know, give or take), the plagues are returning. No, really. The question, then, is obviously, Why? What’s going on in the world today that has invoked God’s wrath?

Well, we’ve got options. Lots of them, actually.

Perhaps God is as displeased with the state of Catholic Higher Education as the good people at Crisis Magazine.

Or maybe He doesn’t like seeing teenage girls speak ill of His worldly instruments on Lifetime. (For the record, we here at The Revealer can’t get enough. Seriously, we can’t look away).

It’s just as likely that He’s upset over the suggestion made in Manhattan court on Monday by a defense attorney who claimed that allowing Jews (you know, the Chosen People) to participate as jurists in the trial of Muslim Abdel Hameed Shehadeh would result in an unfair trial.

My guess? It’s a warning to these scientists who claim that they’re developing a drug that could increase the human lifespan to 150 years. Sure Methuselah lived to 864 (once again, give or take), but he was rewarded for his faith rather than his ability to line GlaxoSmithKline’s pockets. (TANGENT: If you can look past the whole “homophobic hatespeech promotion” thing, Orson Scott Card’s otherwise really interesting book called The Worthing Saga deals with this very issue. HINT: It works out better for the wealthy.)

You know, all of these different options got me thinking… maybe He’s not angry. He could just be overwhelmed. I mean, now people can pray on Twitter, and, according to Peter Manseau, that’s a pretty big gamechanger. And over at the SSRC, they’re busy redefining the way that we think about prayer. If I had to deal with an ever-increasing workload and a bunch of academics-cum-bureaucrats constantly changing my job description AFTER I SIGNED THE CONTRACT AND WITHOUT MY PRIOR KNOWLEDGE, I might forget about the locusts out in the desert for a minute, too.

But, there could be a more sinister solution. Perhaps it wasn’t God at all. Perhaps it was God’s latest competition, Rapyuta/Skynet. Now that the new Cloud Engine, designed to pass information between all the robots in the world through a server called RoboEarth, is up and running, don’t those robots need a deity of their own? And wouldn’t that deity probably not be all too concerned with humans? More importantly, shouldn’t European scientists have seen Terminator? How is this possible?! I for one am grateful that this oversight can be corrected in the near future.

If you are as terrified by the eventual takeover of Rapyuta/Skynet as I am, then let me tell you, I see only two solutions:

Option 1: Move to the moon. Or at least invest in a little real estate.

Option 2: Pray for the intercession of one of Rapyuta/Skynet’s saints (It’s got to have some hierarchy in place, right?). I recommend Cheesus, Rapyuta/Skynet’s patron saint of the Youtubes.